Elder Solutions: Practical Tips for Communicating Effectively with people with Dementia
1. Introduce yourself every time. “Hi, Mom, its, me, Kathy. It’s so nice to see you today”. [versus, “Don’t you remember me? I’m your daughter”]
2. Approach from front and center whenever possible. It’s disorienting when you begin speaking from behind, where you aren’t visible.
3. Use short, simple sentences. Fewer words are better. Simple sentences are better than a long explanation.
4. If necessary, repeat phrases exactly the same way. “It’s Tuesday, Mom” versus “I already told you it’s Tuesday.” Or “I just told you, it’s Tuesday” or “don’t’ you remember, it’s Tuesday”
5. Eliminate the word “but”. Example- “I need to catch the train” “But Mom, there are no trains here”. Instead, agree with the premise, and follow with distraction. “Yes, the trains run on schedule, let me check on it. Let’s look at this magazine together and I will check the schedule” or “Let me check on the schedule, I know you like to be on time”
6. Accept blame when something goes wrong. [Example, juice is spilled. “I should have been more careful with placing the glass on the table”. The point is, accept blame for the mishap/unmet expectation, and move on.
7. Resist the impulse to correct or “fact check”- [Example “I remember when I used to go dancing”- “Mom, you never went dancing. That was Aunt Susie”. Or, “I have never been to this part of California before” “Mom, that’s because we’re in New York”]
8. Avoid Confrontations- Leave the room if necessary to calm yourself down.[ “I need to check on something. I’ll be right back”].
9. If the behavior is insistent and persistent [“I have to get to the bank before it closes”- AGREE with them and then RE-DIRECT them-[ Example. Yes I know that’s important to you, let me see what I can do. I will check on that for you.]
10. Respond to feelings, not words. [“You seem anxious about the bank, is that right?”]
11. Go with the Flow- be cheerful, patient and reassuring. They need constant reassurance.
12. Practice 100% forgiveness- of yourself, and of your loved one.
In short, Agree [reaffirm] Validate the Perception, Distract /Re-Direct as appropriate and Reassure.
[Example : “I know it’s important to you to get to the bank- you’ve always been very good about that. I will do my best to help you with that as soon as we finish this project. Don’t worry, I’ll take care of it”]
DON’TS
Don’t reason or explain
Don’t Argue
Don’t confront
Don’t Remind them they forgot/ question their memory
Don’t take it personally
1. Introduce yourself every time. “Hi, Mom, its, me, Kathy. It’s so nice to see you today”. [versus, “Don’t you remember me? I’m your daughter”]
2. Approach from front and center whenever possible. It’s disorienting when you begin speaking from behind, where you aren’t visible.
3. Use short, simple sentences. Fewer words are better. Simple sentences are better than a long explanation.
4. If necessary, repeat phrases exactly the same way. “It’s Tuesday, Mom” versus “I already told you it’s Tuesday.” Or “I just told you, it’s Tuesday” or “don’t’ you remember, it’s Tuesday”
5. Eliminate the word “but”. Example- “I need to catch the train” “But Mom, there are no trains here”. Instead, agree with the premise, and follow with distraction. “Yes, the trains run on schedule, let me check on it. Let’s look at this magazine together and I will check the schedule” or “Let me check on the schedule, I know you like to be on time”
6. Accept blame when something goes wrong. [Example, juice is spilled. “I should have been more careful with placing the glass on the table”. The point is, accept blame for the mishap/unmet expectation, and move on.
7. Resist the impulse to correct or “fact check”- [Example “I remember when I used to go dancing”- “Mom, you never went dancing. That was Aunt Susie”. Or, “I have never been to this part of California before” “Mom, that’s because we’re in New York”]
8. Avoid Confrontations- Leave the room if necessary to calm yourself down.[ “I need to check on something. I’ll be right back”].
9. If the behavior is insistent and persistent [“I have to get to the bank before it closes”- AGREE with them and then RE-DIRECT them-[ Example. Yes I know that’s important to you, let me see what I can do. I will check on that for you.]
10. Respond to feelings, not words. [“You seem anxious about the bank, is that right?”]
11. Go with the Flow- be cheerful, patient and reassuring. They need constant reassurance.
12. Practice 100% forgiveness- of yourself, and of your loved one.
In short, Agree [reaffirm] Validate the Perception, Distract /Re-Direct as appropriate and Reassure.
[Example : “I know it’s important to you to get to the bank- you’ve always been very good about that. I will do my best to help you with that as soon as we finish this project. Don’t worry, I’ll take care of it”]
DON’TS
Don’t reason or explain
Don’t Argue
Don’t confront
Don’t Remind them they forgot/ question their memory
Don’t take it personally